how do you *THINK* i got *HERE*?!

alright.. i was watching the vikings/packers game and reality hit me (this realization probably came to me before)- IF i had known that studying, being in sports when i was in school, and just attending college wouldn't have got me living where I TRULY want to live (NOT JUST WHAT'S MORE CONVENIENT TO SOME UNACCOMPLISHED BUMS WHO HAVE NEVER CARED OR PAID ATTENTION TO ME IF IT WASN'T BENEFICIAL OR CONVENIENT TO THEM). i would've done drugs and smoke cigarettes and other drugs, along with drinking a lot. I'M NOT SURE WHAT THE FUCK AMANDA AND/OR MY OTHER CARE TEAM MEMBERS THINK I DID TO GET AS FAR AS I AM NOW. she completely IGNORES the fact that i went to courage kenny for at least 5 years in the past ALONG with arp therapy from tram (who was never just concerned about LIABILITY so he ACTUALLY helped me UNLIKE THAT SAD EXCUSE OF A REHAB FACILITY- COURAGE KENNY). does she just think i woke up one day and was magically ambulatory and able to manage living by MYSELF just so i could appease my mom who hasn't accomplished a THING in her life- other than have children? so i'm automatically permanently disabled just because my mom acts like she can't read or work? THANKS A LOT MOM! people are probably saying, "she shouldn't blame her mom for her stupid decisions which lead her where she is now." no.. but CERTAIN PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSEDLY SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTING ME ACT NEGLIGENT TO ME AND THAT'S MORE THAN LIKELY ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I'M NOT WHERE I CAN BE TRULY HAPPY AND CONSTRUCTIVE IN LIFE- "OH! HER MOM JUST DEPENDS ON SOCIAL SECURITY AND IT WORKED FOR HER! SO IT'LL WORK FINE FOR STACY! I DON'T SEE WHAT SHE'S COMPLAINING ABOUT- SHE'S BEING PAID NOT TO WORK! WHAT AN IDIOT!" my mom had my GRANDPARENTS as her payees and guardians. they ALWAYS gave her money WHENEVER she asked. i didn't really understand why when i was younger. not until i had to have payees and guardians myself- although i was honored enough to have negligent payees/guardians who just "support" me whenever it's convenient and beneficial to THEM. it doesn't matter if this is MY life. i come from a mom who depends on social security! NONE of my goals matter anymore! just laugh and talk about stacy because she's so crazy and stupid for NOT wanting to live here with people who support her when and if it's convenient for THEM and/or beneficial to THEM with my cousin dustin, right amanda?! STACY IS SO STUPID THAT SHE THINKS SHE CAN ACTUALLY LIVE IN ANOTHER STATE! RIGHT AMANDA?! i think i get on the verge of crying/get teary at least ONCE every day thinking about how i'm more than likely wasting my time and NO ONE cares enough about me to HELP me the way I NEED to be helped in order to accomplish MY goals- NOT JUST WHAT MAKES AMANDA LOOK "CARING" AND/OR "SUPPORTIVE" BECAUSE I'VE NEVER FELT ANY OF THOSE EMOTIONS COMING FROM HER EVER AND I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE LAST TIME MY MOM ACTUALLY SHOWED ANY AMOUNT OF CARE FOR WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE. I'M TOO STUPID TO HAVE THOUGHTS FOR MYSELF! JUST WHATEVER'S CONVENIENT FOR AMANDA AND/OR MY MOM SO I MAKE THEM APPEAR "LOVING" AND "CARING" TO EVERYONE ELSE WHEN I BY NO MEANS FEEL ANY OF THOSE THINGS FROM THEM. DOESN'T MATTER THOUGH! I'M NOT ALLOWED TO THINK AND HAVE GOALS OF MY OWN! I'M TOO STUPID, RIGHT AMANDA?! here's something else for you to laugh about with dustin, your mom, your husband, and all those people at the salon you work at that you tell about me. seriously. i don't know how much more of this shit i'll be able to take. the only thing that motivates me against killing myself is the fact that i KNOW my mom would be crying like she actually fuckin cared about me after i killed myself- so she'd be a victim and receive attention and sympathy from everyone. this is what your "YOU GOT THIS!" methods got me. my grandma really should've got a person with EMPATHY to help me instead of amanda. at least empathetic people have intelligence not to assume shit for their own damn convenience.
then we have those helpful ass ics workers who just act like they can't help me because i got kicked out of the previous apartment in burnsville- completely IGNORING MY SIDE OF THE STORY+erasing ANY effort to effectively do their jobs PROPERLY because i'm too stupid to have my own thoughts (right amanda?)! how'd i get accepted to the apartment that i lived in before this one, einsteins? stop trying to convince me no one will accept me to live at their apartments because of some mistake made caused by the smoking of OTHER PEOPLE in a NON-SMOKING APARTMENT. i'm positive that is NOT how my case manager wanted them to assist me with housing.. but as long as they continue ACTING like they're actually helping.. IT WON'T MATTER WHAT I WANT! I'M STUPID AND I'LL CHANGE MY MIND EVEN THOUGH I'VE HAD THIS FUCKING GOAL OF LIVING THERE SINCE I WAS AT LEAST FIFTEEN! BUT STACY IS STUPID! LOOK WHO HER MOM IS! RIGHT AMANDA?! GOTTA LAUGH ABOUT THIS WITH DUSTIN!